Scare the Death

 

The moral of the story is – put your jam on your bread like you want to scare the death itself!

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True Story?

This is a story that my father once told me happened to a guy he knows. I don’t know whether it’s true or false, but it’s funny nonetheless. 

So, this man had two dogs, Doberman breed. They were identical, highly trained and very, very smart.  He loved them so much and considered them a part of his family.

One day, the guy decided to go on Summer vacation with his family, so he asked his neighbour to feed the dogs and give them water.

“You don’t have to enter my yard, just push these to bowls through this little gap in the fence and keep an eye on them.”

The first couple of days everything was fine.

But then, the neighbour noticed that only one dog keeps coming to eat, another was nowhere in sight.

So he calls the owner and tells him that. Poor man, worried to the bones, cuts his vacation short and returns with his family home only to find a spectacular sight: a thief tried to break into the house and succeeded, but when he tried to get out, the dogs blocked his exit. They kept him at the stairs for 3 days and 3 nights, taking shifts to eat and rest and growling whenever the thief thought to make a move.

The owner let the thief go, thinking that he was already punished enough.

Hats off to these dogs, they are f***ing amazing!

My name is not Mr Mittens

I always thought that, if cats could speak, it would be in that Spanish accent. It has nothing to do with “Puss in Boots”. Even before that I believed Spanish accent is perfect for cats.

Think about it.

You have a cat and one day you prepare the food for it and it says: “Gracias for the food, señorita. And my name is not Mittens.”

“Then what should I call you?”

“Miguel.”

It. Would. Be. Awesome.

Looking forward to Valentines day!

So… Valentines…

It will be the first one in 5 years that I’ll spend single, but my greatest worry is that I still haven’t updated my “about” page.

Good thing is my ex doesn’t read my blog. Although I check his regularly.

Anywhoooo… The topic will be Valentines cards and pick up lines that don’t work at all OR are socially awkward.

Valentines cards lines you can use:

– I would give you my last piece of pizza

– I would let you overwrite my save game

– I would never lose a key to your heart… (do not confuse heart with house)

– Will you be my Valentine? Me neither.

– There is no key to my heart, there is a password. Which is hidden like a coded message in 50 Shades of Grey book I give to you

Pick up lines:

– *coughs seductively*

– may I buy you a pizza?

– *makes eye contact* Girl, you are hot like Anakin Skywalker after duel with Obi Wan

– Is it hot in here or can I turn off the AC?

– *awkward silence*

I had fun making these… Wish I can say that for my creativity.

Wait… What?

Me: “Oooooh! How it’s made! Electric violins! As a former violinist, I am curious.”

Discovery*Blah blah blah* “…and the sound of the violins was overpowered by horns and trumpets…”

Me: “What?”

Discovery: “…and by amplifying the sound, violins are no longer just a background instruments.”

Me: “WHAT? Listen here, you *beep* *beep*! If I ever catch that prick who…”

My roommate: “Arguing with TV again?”

Me: “WELL THEY DESERVE IT! THEY F***ING MANAGED TO INSULT THE VIOLIN PLAYERS IN ONE SENTENCE!”

My roommate: “…”

Me: “WHAT?!”

My roommate: “Do you know why a bass has 4 strings?”

Me: “Huh? How is that… Nevermind… Why?”

My roommate: “3 are there in casethe main one snaps! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” *casually moonwalks away*

(he didn’t moonwalk)

 

The End Of the World… and I still rant!

My favourite movies are usually about the end of the world.

Well, not exactly favourite, but I do like to watch them.

The movie “Knowing” (starring Nicolas Cage), also made me dream about the end of the world “brought to you by the bringer of life – Sun”.

It also made me realize how shitty that movie was. It was like internet actually made it. Seriously.

Here are all the stages of the movie (how I think the development went):

Note: there will be spoilers, but fuck it! No one will watch that movie.

1. The “Final Destination” chapter – Nicolas Cage cracks the code which says the exact locations where a disaster will occur, date, and number of victims who will die. They all die in “Final Destination” style, but Cage can’t stop it.

2. The “I’m not saying it’s aliens, but… Aliens” chapter – Seriously. Right from the beginning I realized the blond , mute people were aliens. Interestingly enough, they looked like how Nazis described “superior race”. Blonde, blue eyes, tall, etc. And they were superior compared to humans. Were they the Nazis? I bet they were the Nazis.

3.The “2012” chapter – BUM! POW! CRASH! OH NO! THE WORLD IS ENDING! (insert lots of CGI here) BUM! LET ME RUN TO MY FAMILY AND HOLD THEM WHILE THERE ARE EXPLOSIONS EVERYWHERE! (insert more CGI here)

4. The “Spore” chapter – the ecosystem of the planet known as Earth is in danger. We must transfer couple of species on another T3 type planet as soon as we can. *the job is done* “THANK YOU! YOU HAVE SAVED ANOTHER SPECIES AND ENSURED THAT OUR ALLIANCE TREATY ISN’T BROKEN.”

What’s cracking?

Almost 99% of my internet time is spent on Cracked. If you want me to explain what Cracked is…

Ain’t gonna happen. Check them out.

But, you can get a taste of them here, with my favourite excerpts from recent articles. 🙂

The only animal smart enough to build a computer is probably also the only animal dumb enough to believe that wearing a lucky pair of socks will increase his chances of winning the lottery.
If you live in the modern age you probably bought your table at IKEA, which means it’s still sitting in an unassembled pile in the closet because they gave you the wrong Urgnblott and they can’t order any replacements because there was a strike back in Trrnlbord at the Fyjrnwuld plant where they make them. You make a silent pledge to donate some god damn vowels to the Swedes, right before you kick their balls to death.
The fact that George Washington didn’t die in battle proves that he couldn’t die in battle, because he really really should have died in battle. Perhaps someone should have tried cutting his head off with a sword, because looking at the facts, the first real president of the United States was a fucking Highlander. He thwarted death, fell into the presidency, and succeeded only by the most fortuitous of flukes.
For the casual moviegoer, Tom Cruise’s versatility as an actor ranges from cocky, attractive action hero in Mission: Impossible to cocky, attractive action hero in Top Gun, while some also remember him in his standout role as a cocky, attractive action hero in Minority Report. But Cruise is kind of unfairly maligned in this way — when he’s allowed to venture out of his pigeonhole, the man can really act.